A (Fake) Interview with T-Pain

By May Mansour | 5/21/15 2:18pm

Me: Hi, T-Pain! Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me. We here at Dartbeat are really big fans.

T-Pain: Ahh, thanks shawty. Snap yo fingers, do the step, you know we love coming out here to New Hampshire. So nippy out here, Konvict Music, Nappy Boy.

Me: So why don’t you tell me a bit about your Green Key experience here last week.

T-Pain: Baby girl, what’s yo' name?

Me: May.

T-Pain: Let me talk to ya. Let me buy you a draaaank.

Me: Wow, T-Pain. That’s really nice of you, but we actually have a hard alcohol ban here at Dartmouth.

T-Pain: OOOOOOOH, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. Oooh, oooh, what’s wrong with Darty (with Darty)?

Me: I don’t know — take it up with Dean Ameer.

T-Pain: I know Dean Ameer! She tried to take my drank last Friday. I told her to respect big pimpin’ shawty, you know how it is. So you know the Pain just let her walk it out. Next thing I know, I got the police chasin’ after my grey Cadillac.

Me: Wait, are you saying Dean Ameer called S&S on you?

T-Pain: Man, Dean Ameer don’t deserve me — all she wanna do is hurt me — so I gotta get away from heeeerrrrrr.

Me: So what happened next?

T-Pain: So now I’m leaving quickly, before S&S come try to get me — and I’m takin’ all my alc with meee.

Me: Where did you go next?

T-Pain: Shawty, you know I had to hit up GDX and see Elephante!

Me: That was a great performance! Do you plan on rushing GDX?

T-Pain: Oh no, shawty, the only touchdowns I score are with the ladies. I’m T-Pain, you know me. Respect big pimpin. I pledge myself to da booty. I’m unaffiliated.

Me: T-Pain, I heard a rumor that you completed the Dartmouth Seven in just one night! Is it true?

T-Pain: Oh shawty. I found me a few ladies to kick it with. I asked ‘em what’s the chances of them rollin’ with me back to Phil’s crib. Most of them told me 0 because they had a Chem 6 exam. But snap ya fingers, do the step. The Pain found a shawty in the end, oooooh weeeee.

Me: Wait, so you had sex on Phil Hanlon’s lawn?

T-Pain: I tell her to make that booty work, boo booty work. Left cheek, right cheek, left cheek, right cheek. But then Phil called S&S, so I had to walk it out and hide inside FoCo.

Me: Oh my gosh! Did you like the food at FoCo?

T-Pain: I’m in love with the FoCo. She servin’, I’m dinin’, I'm dinin’ — DDS slayin’, I ain’t lyin'.

Me: Sounds like you had a great time. But truth be told, Collis is definitely my go-to dining hall on campus.

T-Pain: I’m sprung. Now that Collis got me, got me eatin’ things I’ll never eat — but I can’t even find a seat.

Me: T-Pain, thank you so much for meeting with me today. I can’t thank you enough for this interview. Green Key weekend was so amazing thanks to you!

May Mansour