Sam's Little Larks

by Sam Van Wetter | 1/21/16 8:44pm

SNOW SAM and ON A MISSAM are watching snow fall.

SNOW SAM: What happens if I don’t pay a ticket?

ON A MISSAM: What kind of ticket?

SNOW: A windshield ticket.

ON A: For what?

SNOW: Parking.

ON A: Parking? How?

SNOW: Poorly?

ON A is skeptical.

SNOW: Untimely.

ON A: …What?

SNOW: Illegally.

ON A: Illegally?

SNOW: Yeah.

ON A: So you got a parking ticket.

SNOW: Yeah.

ON A: Why?

SNOW: There is a winter parking ban.

ON A: Really?

SNOW: Yeah, like what do they expect us to do during the winter? Just keep driving constantly? Like in shifts? Do they realize what that would do to the ozone?

ON A: No, you just can’t park within town limits—

SNOW: Oh, okay, we’ll all just use that parking garage in Norwich that totally exists and we’ll just schlep back over the river in time for our 10As?

ON A: —at night. You can’t park in Hanover at night.

SNOW: Oh, because someone’s gonna break into our car? Or, like, the gas will freeze and then explode?

ON A: I don’t think that’s a concern.

SNOW: Then why can’t I park in front of Phi Delt at night like I do every other night of the dumb year?

ON A: Plows.

SNOW: Please don’t spit at me.

ON A: Did I spit?

SNOW: No.

ON A: Did you think I said “please”?

SNOW: Please?

ON A: Plows?

SNOW: Plows don’t make me pay my ticket.

ON A: No, the cops do.

SNOW: On behalf of the plows?

ON A: On behalf of Those For Snow Removal everywhere. TFSR.

SNOW: That’s so annoying.

ON A: You have to pay it.

SNOW: Is that true though?

ON A: Of course it’s true. They’ll impound your car.

SNOW: But what if I refuse to do it for, you know, for ideological reasons?

ON A: Ideological reasons?

SNOW: Civil disobedience.

ON A: I don’t think that’s a valid excuse.

SNOW: I mean the act of parking as civil disobedience.

ON A: And not paying the fine?

SNOW: An extension thereof.

ON A: How is parking on the street when it snows civil disobedience?

SNOW: I’m protecting the pristine snow.

ON A: You’re on frat row, not in a forest.

SNOW: Exactly, which is why it’s more important there than anywhere else to not allow man’s disruption of nature’s snowy serenity.

ON A: Okay, you’re taking this up with the wrong person.

SNOW: I refuse to make it easier for those ground-scraping dirt-lovers to take away the snow that I park near.

ON A: You really gotta talk to the town about this.

SNOW: If they’re gonna try to ban winter, I’ll ban them from giving me tickets.

ON A: It really doesn’t work that way.

SNOW: You are seriously being so passive.

ON A: No I’m not. You’re being too aggressive.

SNOW: How are you not upset about this? Everyone should be protesting!

ON A: I don’t know if you’ll find much support for your...cause.

SNOW: You think people don’t like winter?

ON A: I think people like winter the most when they’re able to move about and function in it.

SNOW: Do you realize how much blood they spill every winter?

ON A: Who is they? The plows?

SNOW: Plows what?

ON A: Whose blood?

SNOW: What blood?

ON A: You said they spill blood.

SNOW: No I didn’t.

ON A: Yes you did.

SNOW: That doesn’t make any sense.

ON A: Look, like nine lines up. It says you said “blood”.

SNOW: Maybe he wrote it down wrong?

ON A: Who?

SNOW: Sam?

ON A: Me?

SNOW: No, the other one. Sam the writer of this column Sam.

ON A: Who?

We hear the crackle and pop of metatheater.

SAM THE WRITER OF THIS COLUMN SAM: Me.

SNOW: Did you write it down wrong?

SAM THE WRITER OF THIS COLUMN SAM: What down?

SNOW: Blood.

SAM THE WRITER OF THIS COLUMN SAM: No, you said blood.

SNOW: I did?

SAM THE WRITER OF THIS COLUMN SAM: Yeah.

SNOW: Oh. I meant salt.

ON A: Oh.

SAM THE WRITER OF THIS COLUMN SAM: Oh. Anything else?

SNOW: Nope. Go back to omniscience.

A quieter crackle and a pop.

SNOW: Do you realize how much salt they spill every winter?

ON A: I guess I don’t.

SNOW: They use more salt on roads than they consume.

ON A: Who’s they?

SNOW: They, you know, like humanity.

ON A: Humanity?

SNOW: Yeah. Society in general uses eight percent of manufactured salt for roads. Society in general eats only six percent.

ON A: Wow.

SNOW: Crazy, right?

ON A: I wonder what they do with the other 86% of salt.

SNOW: I don’t know, salt water or something.

ON A: I don’t think salt water counts as manufactured.

SNOW: I mean when they make it.

ON A is confused.

SNOW: You wouldn’t get it.

ON A: So you’re protesting salt use?

SNOW: And plows.

ON A: And plows. Anything else?

SNOW: Heated driveways. Windshield fluid. Shovels.

ON A: Shovels.

SNOW: And snowmen.

ON A: And snowmen.

SNOW: And anything that alters, prevents, mitigates or otherwise threatens winter.

ON A: You really like winter, don’t you?

SNOW: I really like winter.

ON A: What do you feel about, like, piles of snow?

SNOW: Is it natural?

ON A: The plow put it there.

SNOW: It should be redistributed.

ON A: I was thinking the same.

SNOW: Why?

ON A: I wanna get under them.

SNOW: What for?

ON A: I’m looking for my bike.

SNOW: Where is it?

ON A: I’m not sure exactly.

SNOW: How are we gonna find it?

ON A: I was thinking hair dryers?

SNOW: Hair dryers are very anti-snow.

ON A: Then… shovels?

SNOW: Is is that important?

ON A: Very.

SNOW: Okay then. Fine.

ON A: Okay?

SNOW: Let’s find some shovels.