Taylor Mayde, your typical nondescript, Collis pasta loving, Birkenstock wearing Dartmouth Senior has decided it’s about time she start looking for a job. What did she major in, you ask? Environmental Science modified with Theater with a double minor in Italian and Psychology, not to mention her FSP in New Zealand for Linguistics. Taylor is a veritable melting pot of interests, a real Renaissance woman, or as her mean old Uncle Jack says, a useless piece of garbage. Hush up, Uncle Jack, she thinks as she enters the career fair. With the blazer she borrowed from her roommate and the heels she found on Psi U’s lawn, she’s ready for anything these recruiters might throw at her.
Taylor approaches the first booth, a bright display labeled Scrooge & Co. Consulting Firm. Hmm, she thinks, I’ve given advice before. Because of me, Lindsey doesn’t have bangs and mom isn’t dating Buffy from the knife shop! I’ve got this.
Scrooge: Interested in consulting?
Scrooge: Let me give you a scenario.
Taylor: Okay, I’ll do my best.
Scrooge: In consulting it’s important to focus on the three C’s.
Taylor: Oh! Color, clarity, and carats.
Scrooge: No, company, clients, and competitors.
Taylor: Oh and cut!
Scrooge (staring blankly): No. Let’s say your company’s profits are tanking. You’ve got to make a decision based on the clientele and the competition as to whether or not you fold or you try to rehabilitate the business. To complicate things, Satan wants your soul, based on a deal you made with him a number of years ago wherein you promised if you got this job you’d give up your goods after ten years.
Taylor: Wait, what?
Scrooge: So Satan’s breathing down your neck, the company’s flailing, and you’ve got a kid on the way. What do I do?
Taylor: I thought this was hypothetical.
Scrooge: You’ve taken a second mortgage...on your soul.
Taylor: I think I should go.
(Scrooge disappears into thin air as a cackling sound echoes through the hall)
Taylor decides consulting--and consorting with Satan--is not for her. Perhaps her green thumb could be put to use. She approaches a booth teeming with fresh vegetables.
Taylor: Hi! This looks amazing. What does your company do?
Rabbits grazing on the vegetables: (indiscriminate munching noises)
Taylor: Excuse me? Is anyone running this booth for (reads sign) Peter Rabbit Organic Produce? Is there a business card I could take?
Rabbit: (hands her a piece of lettuce and nods conspiratorially)
Taylor: What am I supposed to--
Rabbit: (shhhh sound, nodding)
Goodness, Taylor thinks, what’s a girl gotta do to make bank around here?
Satan’s voice: Come to us!
Taylor: No! Not now, Satan.
Out of the corner of her glass eye, Taylor spots a wily raccoon. This looks promising, she muses, approaching the colorful Tammy’s Taxidermy booth.
Tammy: Hi, sugar! I’m Tammy Tarmel and this here is my small business. Why work for a small business? Well, we offer benefits that the big boys just can’t compete with.
Taylor: Oh, like what?
Tammy: Your beloved dog dies? That’s free stuffing for employees. Creative dentistry? We got all the teeth you could ask for. My brother’s part wolf now. That could be you!
Taylor: Do you your employees get health care benefits?
Tammy: Yer darn tootin! Grandpappy Beefus is a world class medicine man. All the snake oils you could want, honey bunch.
Taylor: Cool! Well I’m going to keep walking around, but I’ll definitely be back.
Tammy: Here’s a free sample for your journey. (hands her a stuffed rabbit)
Taylor: Is this one of the guys from Peter Rabbit Organic Produce?
Tammy: That’s C number 3: competition.
Taylor, excited but wary, approaches a modest, nondescript booth in the corner of the room.
Taylor: Hi there!
Taylor: Right back at ya! What does this organization do? I can’t really tell from your booth.
Patricio: So glad you asked. We’re an Italian theatre troupe that focuses primarily on using current psychology to educate children on environmental science and world language patterns. We believe the interdisciplinary knowledge is the key to lifelong happiness and improved health. I guess you could say we’re a melting pot.
Taylor imagines all of her passions coming together like a beautiful tapestry. Everything she’s worked for, thrown together like the sexiest bag of Chex Mix there ever was. Then, she hears her Uncle Jack’s voice. Garbage, garbage, garbage. The voice that’s been in her head her whole life, her personal Satan.
Satan: Who, me?
Taylor: No, I’m just monologuing.
Satan: Oh, okay. Sorry. Carry on.
I’m not just going to go along with what Uncle Jack says! Taylor thinks, bursting with emotion.
Taylor: I know what I’m going to do with my life!
Patricio: Excelente! When can you start?
Taylor runs with glee back towards Tammy’s Taxidermy.
Patricio: But why? Mi amor?
Taylor: The health care benefits!