Sexy Costumes Strike Back

by Mary Liza Hartong and Andrew Kingsley | 10/29/15 7:15pm

10.30.15.mirror.marylizaandfriend_Eliza.McDonough
by Eliza McDonough / Eliza McDonough

Since the very first Halloween, people around the globe have always found ways to sexify everyday costumes — nurse, cat, witch, what have you. With a snip, snip here and a snip, snip there, that playful pumpkin becomes one steamy gourd. Others can’t help but shout, “Give me a load of that seed!” For the people and animals these sensual costumes imitate, however, Halloween can truly be a scary time. Here to talk about it are the costumes themselves.

From: Ginger the cat

To: All sexy cats

Okay, okay I get it. Cats are sexy. Everybody knows that. Take a look at this hot piece of pussycat. Just saying, there’s a reason we eat Friskies. You come over, you’re gonna get a Fancy Feast. But year after year I get a little tired of you guys running around town with your whiskers and pointy ears. Listen, we’re more than just some hot tails. The Egyptians worshipped us, for meowing out loud! You know what’s sexy about cats? We self-clean, we bring home our own bacon and we star in hit musicals by Andrew Lloyd Webber. So when you think about leaving the house looking like sexy us, go home with your tail between your legs, you dog!

From: Pam the nurse

To: All sexy nurses

Please fill out these forms, and I’ll be right with you. No sir, swallowing gum won’t kill you. No ma’am you’re not a Cancer, you’re a Libra. I said you have cancer. Oh, so you think you can be a nurse? You think you can draw blood from a squirming child and wrestle Blue Cross Blue Shield on the phone at the same time? Go right ahead, tootz. Make my day. Here, take these Winnie the Pooh scrubs and these extra-cushioned arch support sneakers. Let me tell you a little something about nursing, you hooligan. Strutting around in your candy stripper rags does not make you sexy. Saving lives makes you sexy. Noodle on that, hon. MR. WILKERSON? WILKERSON? You’re next!

From: Sister Meredith

To: All sexy nuns

Bless you my children. I don’t have candy, no. That’s the devil’s food. Lifesavers? More like Lifeenders. But I do have communion wafers, sweetened with the Lord’s love. And to all you young women showing a lot of ankle and wrist this Hallow’s Eve, I pray for you. Do you think a vow of chastity is easy? Nunsense! You think I didn’t have the hots for Father McDonaugh 20 years ago? Have you seen the abs on Jesus? The only thing I finger each night is my rosary. My eye of the needle hasn’t had a camel come through in decades. So pull up your stockings and hail a few Marys, and whatever you do stop licking that cross.

From: Carl the Toaster

To: Anyone who will listen

Hello boys, it’s me, Carl, the toaster. I know you guys like to do the shirtless firefighter to show off your big hose and the sexy mailman to deliver your special package, but I’m still hot stuff. Um, you know, you can get me at Walmart for real cheap, around $22.50 with a coupon. I got those two slots for your bread, which is convenient. What else? Oh, I use up approximately 600-12,00 Watts, so I know what’s up! That’s a toaster joke we toasters enjoy. Anyway, I’d really appreciate it if one of your guys dressed up as me for Halloween. Just turn me on, and in three to five minutes, BING, you’ve just been toaster strudelled. Oh shucks Carl, just stick with the watt puns.

From: Blue Balls the Pirate

To: All sexy pirates

Are you ready kids?

“Aye aye captain!”

I can’t hear you!

“Aye aye captain!

Ohhhhhhhhhhh

Who’s doomed to scurvy and a watery grave?

BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE

Starving and thirsty in a desert of waves

BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE

If fetishizing sea-killers is something you wish

BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE

Stop chanting my name you monstrous man-fish!

BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE

ARRRRRRRGH!

BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE

BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE

BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE

Ah hah hahaha (begins sobbing) take me now scurvy!