Sam's Little Larks

by Sam Van Wetter | 10/1/15 6:20pm

Scene: FRAT DADDY SAM and ANARCHY SAM sit together in a dorm. They both rushed the same fraternity.

FRAT DADDY: Yo, honestly, it’ll be their loss if they don’t give me a bid. Did you see those other boobs? Like, if they’re looking for someone fratty and gnarly and hot and sweaty and philanthropy and chuggy and pully, they honestly shouldn’t look any further because I’m all of those things, and I’m right here. Honestly, their loss. Right? How’d your shakeout go?

ANARCHY: I don’t know, man. I’m not sure if this is something I really need, you know?

FRAT DADDY: Honestly, what are you talking about?

ANARCHY: I’m just saying that it seems like a lot, you know?

FRAT DADDY: No, honestly I don’t know. A lot of what? Fun?

ANARCHY: Well —

FRAT DADDY: A lot of networking opportunities?

ANARCHY: No —

FRAT DADDY: A lot of new friends?

ANARCHY: No—

FRAT DADDY: A lot of memories?

ANARCHY: Probably not.

FRAT DADDY: Then what?

ANARCHY: It just seems like a lot of time.

FRAT DADDY: Please, you have more important things to be doing? Like, homework? Or calling your mom?

ANARCHY: I really should call her.

FRAT DADDY: I only call her when she sends me texts threatening to turn off my data.

ANARCHY: I’ve just been thinking, like, I’ve really liked the guys I’ve met this week, but it probably isn’t a huge deal if I don’t get a bid. I’ve got plenty of other friends. I have access to these houses regardless.

FRAT DADDY: But you won’t be a brother.

ANARCHY: And what does that even mean? Being a “brother?” Is everyone pretending that you’re actually siblings? Like, did you all pop out of the same womb? And is the house the womb? Does that make your fraternity your mother? Who’s the father? Are you each other’s father?

FRAT DADDY: I’m honestly not sure.

ANARCHY: Right! Which is why I feel pretty good about it all, you know. Like, I rushed, and that’s great. And I could get into a house, which could also be great, but I don’t need to worry about it! I really don’t! I’ve done such cool things at Dartmouth in a year, and I did that by myself! Without a house or brothers or letters or jockwear. Like, why wouldn’t I just keep doing me?

FRAT DADDY: I don’t know, man, think about how much cooler that “you” could be if it were part of something bigger.

ANARCHY: But it is part of something bigger! I’m part of Dartmouth! And it’s a big fraternity, anyway, without most of the weirdness.

FRAT DADDY: But it’s not exclusive.

ANARCHY: That’s what you crave?

FRAT DADDY: Doesn’t everyone?

ANARCHY: I don’t know, man. Like, imagine if you had to rush other things on campus.

FOCO: Rush FOCO 2015!! We have the coolest people and tons of free stuff like jello! And baked sweet potatoes!

ANARCHY: Does anyone ever eat your sweet potatoes?

BEMA: Rush us, sophomores! Wear our letters!

FRAT DADDY: What does BEMA even stand for?

BEMA: More than Tri-Kap does.

1902: Tired of lines on table? Join 1902! We’ve always got table for you!

ANARCHY: I was there last finals, and it definitely would have been easier to study in Psi U.

1902: That’s irrelevant! We’re here when you need us. No dues, no distractions, no problem.

DIRT COWBOY: They’ve got it all wrong. When you’re rushing, you want as many distractions as possible. Want a million drink choices? Want to hear a townie complaining about how we messed up her order? Want a baby? We’ve got it all.

STARBUCKS: Please, only peons rush Dirt. If you want to maintain any social capital, you want to be walking to class each day with a Starbucks in your hand.

DIRT COWBOY: *Mumbling* You would know about capital.

STARBUCKS: What was that, you local scum?

CO-OP: Whoa, whoa. Being local isn’t a bad thing. At the Co-op, we pride ourselves on offering the finest of ingredients without the pressure and cost of maintaining a national status.

STARBUCKS: But your gear and networking sucks.

CO-OP: You are oppressing me.

STARBUCKS: Save it for the patriarchy, dirty hippy.

DIRT COWBOY: God made dirt and dirt is how we make your coffee.

STARBUCKS: Literally, ew.

ANARCHY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys. You all have good qualities and you can offer different things to different students. Why is it always a competition? Just let people make their own decisions and I bet you’ll find a class full of satisfied customers.

CO-OP: But I want to be the best.

DIRT COWBOY: As if.

ANARCHY: You guys don’t get it, though. There’s no such thing as the best. There are places that are good for some things and other places that are better for others. Everywhere has something good to offer.

CO-OP: Well what are you looking for?

ANARCHY: I don’t really know.

FRAT DADDY: Come on, we already made a decision.

ANARCHY: That’s what I’m saying, though. Dartmouth is cool because even if you make a decision it’s not binding. Like, you can have friends in a lot of different places, people who study exclusively at Starbucks and those who are always at Jewel brunch on Sundays. Are these people making good choices? Not always. Are they good people regardless? Probably! And we’re not here to judge just because of where they like to hang out. We’re here to be together and hug each other and find new people in new places you didn’t know exist.

FRAT DADDY: Yo, settle down, man. You’re talking crazy.

ANARCHY: I’m thinking that I should maybe explore more options.

FRAT DADDY: We already shook out! We’ve already spoken!

ANARCHY: That’s the thing. You never have to do anything here. I think I might really like some other kinds of places, like restaurants off campus and maybe even gender inclusive spaces.

FRAT DADDY: Come on, dude. Stay with me. We were gonna be bros!

ANARCHY: Later.

*He exits.*

FRAT DADDY: I never thought he was a Sam Anarchist.

BEMA: If you’re looking for something really alt, though…

FRAT DADDY: I’m good, BEMA. Stay big and empty.