A lot has happened in the past week. There were casualties, and there were controversies. But this reporter has lived to die another day.
For reasons that I don’t understand, on Saturday night many of my peers (on pay-per-view) and celebrities/high-rollers (at the ring in Las Vegas via private jet) watched “the fight.” Yes, this is how people referenced the much-hyped boxing match between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao.
TBH, Phil invited me to a viewing party at the prez’s residence with Gail (obvi) and some other cool peeps (can I say Wes Schaub and his weiner dog?), but I don’t support extreme behaviors like physical violence, whether inside or outside the Dartmouth bubble.
Oh, Phil! Why did you have to invite me to a boxing match? Declining my darling’s invitation because of my moral conviction might be the hardest thing I’ve had to do at this school.
Like Miss America contestants throughout the years, I dream only of world peace and love shared among all people. Unlike Miss America contestants throughout the years, I also dream of sharing that love with one person in particular — a mustached College president.
I can just envision us huddled around the fire, watching something — anything — other than boxing.
Here in America, people bet on the boxing match. Simultaneously, our friends across the pond bet on the name of the British royal baby. I would be remiss not to mention the crowning of a new princess.
(Yes, that was a vaginal-royal double entendre.)
Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana (Like, really? This kid can’t catch a break!) emerged from Kate Middleton’s birth canal on May 2. It’s amazing how refreshed Kate Middleton looks every time (the two times) she leaves the hospital post-childbirth.
Even on my best non-pregnant day, I’ll never glow/radiate beauty like that woman.
Or perhaps there is something more nefarious than merely post-baby glow in the works. I suspect the Duchess of Cambridge (?) is drugged up post-child (…).
I feel similar sentiments about the 101-year-old Nepalese man who was saved from underneath rubble an entire week after the devastating earthquake. How does a 101-year-old survive that? His story puts Kate Middleton and her placenta to shame!
Perhaps most radiant of all this week were the Met Ball attendees. But seriously why did so many women who attended the prestigious event show up naked with bedazzled items barely covering up their goodies? I had thought the Met Ball was a classier affair. I think once Anna Wintour allowed Kanye to bring Kim to the ball a few years ago, the risque factor has hit critical levels. If only Anna Wintour — the inspiration for Meryl Streep’s betchy character in “The Devil Wears Prada” (2006) — had taken to this trend. Gotta show off those curves, Anna!
I think this is the appropriate moment for a little sexual education. A high school in Texas that doesn’t teach sex ed is having an STD crisis. Herpes? The clap? Crabs? Nope. There is currently a chlamydia crisis in Crane, Texas. I hear if you’re going to get an STD, this is a good one to get. If only they had Coach Carr from Mean Girls to educate them on the topic.
Much like here at Dartmouth, students and townies alike live and breathe football in Texas.
F the Patriots, am I right?
Speaking of cheating, Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn have ended their three-year relationship. This break-up went a lot smoother than Tiger’s breakup with his then-wife Elin Nordegren, who famously chased and hit Tiger’s car with golf clubs as he drove away after his sexual deviancies had been revealed to the world.
Time for Tiger to find another hole to fill, I guess.
On the topic of modes of transportation: Despite his desperate appeals to minority voters, Rand Paul went on the radio show of esteemed Dartmouth alum Laura Ingraham ’85 and said that he was happy a train he was on didn’t stop in Baltimore. Hmm. Also this week, some of New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s people have been implicated in the Bridgegate scandal.
In my opinion, Christie is probably guilty of some shady business. I must, however, put my feelings aside and embrace the man who governs the greatest state in the land. Just don’t block the Jersey Turnpike this summer when I head to the shore, and we won’t have a problem, CC.
And for a while, I thought Rick Santorum had also put his feelings aside. Santorum, not exactly known for being open-minded, said that he believed that, if Bruce Jenner says he (Bruce still wants to be referred to by this pronoun for the time being) is a woman, then Santorum thinks he’s a woman. To my dismay, Santorum clarified his earlier comments via — how else? — Facebook.
The God-fearing senator posted on his page, “Many of you may have read a story published by the website BuzzFeed where I was asked for my thoughts regarding Bruce Jenner. My comment affirmed Jenner as a person, made by God in His likeness as we all are. It was meant to express empathy not a change in public policy. #compassion.”
