When reflecting about the state of humanity the other day, I realized that there is no shortage of lies and deceit in this world. Nowhere is this more true than in the state of Florida.
Yes, I am going to contribute to my own ongoing discussion about the HBO documentary “Going Clear” (2015). I just want everyone to know that I’m taking a big risk even discussing this incendiary exposé of the Church of Scientology. Just last week, one of the former leaders of the Church was questioned by police about a false drug charge.
Yet no amount of intimidation will cause me to forsake my journalistic integrity. I have more credibility than Rolling Stone at this point, so I’m feeling pretty great. That being said, if I go missing, please look for me in the Church of Scientology’s headquarters in Clearwater, Florida or in Tom Cruise’s basement.
Cruise was spotted with his (brainwashed) son Connor at a women’s NCAA Final Four game in Tampa, Florida. Sadly, I don’t have a picture of Cruise with any of the players, which I’m sure was purposeful on his part.
Much like Tom’s height when he wears platform shoes on the red carpet, things aren’t quite what they seem in the Sunshine State. We may have other frightening creatures passing through our town (thru-hikers, to name one), but Burmese pythons are literally taking over Florida. Still, that’s not the only freakshow going on in the state of the panhandle. I am of course referring to Jeb Bush’s 2009 voter-registration application, in which he claimed to be Hispanic. Your wife may be from Mexico, but that doesn’t count, Jeb! I think Americans on both sides of the aisle can agree that based on his brother’s two-term presidency, IQ isn’t the Bush family’s strong suit.
While Jeb may laugh off this oversight, Mindy Kaling’s allegedly estranged brother is publicizing his book “Almost Black,” in which he details how he intentionally lied to medical schools, claiming to be black. Only one medical school accepted Vijay, who went to the University of Chicago as an undergraduate, and he eventually dropped out so I’m a little lost as to why he is sharing this story.
Halfway around the world, Kim Jong Un is reinstituting the use of a “pleasure squad” after a mandatory three-year mourning period for his father, Kim Jong Il. These women’s alleged activities include synchronized swimming performances, but let’s be real — either the group’s (task force’s?) title is lost in translation or the Supreme Leader is an unexpected ladies’ man. Maybe it’s his new hairstyle and eyebrows. If any of these women were to “defect” from the p-squad — taking into account Kim Jong Un’s past behavior (executions of top government officials, for example) — they’d face a fate far worse than any ex-Scientologists (except leader David Miscavige’s debatably still-alive wife who hasn’t been seen in public in years).
Would you rather be a member of the p-squad or an acquaintance of Robert Durst?
There’s no need to look abroad for (male) political leaders living in the lap of luxury while trying to keep multiple women from fleeing their country. New Jersey senator Robert Menendez has been indicted. He pled not guilty to 14 criminal charges. As if New Jerseyians needed any more of its residents bringing shame to this classy state.
But it all comes back to Florida. According to CNN, the charges include “eight counts of bribery in his dealings with Salomon Melgen, a Florida ophthalmologist.” My pals over at CNN describe that Menendez “allegedly [intervened] on behalf of Melgen’s three girlfriends’ visa applications, among other things — and his friendship — which includes nearly $1 million in trips, political contributions and other perks.” I would have gladly been your friend (or more!), Saloman. No visas required for this eligible bachelorette/American citizen.
Then there’s Kentucky senator Rand Paul, who just announced that he is running in the 2016 presidential election. What has become clear to me is that Rand has a tendency to disrespect high-powered female anchors (Most recently, he told Savannah Guthrie “Yeah, why don’t we let me explain instead of talking over me, OK?”)
You can be sure that if Rand ever has the pleasure to meet this kick-ass female journalist, she won’t stand for it. Good luck trying to get a word in edgewise, Rand. The only people whose words I respect are convicted felons — and Phil’s, of course.
In closing, I would also like to give a quick shoutout to Kendall Jenner for exposing her entire midriff in church on Easter. I won’t say I didn’t do the same.
The article has been revised to reflect the following correction:Correction appended: April 10, 2014
The original version of this article stated thatRobert Menendez pled guilty to 14 criminal charges. He was indicted for the charges, but pled not guilty.
