Fridays With Marian

by Marian Lurio | 4/2/15 7:25pm

I had a thrilling spring break. (Tons of hard alcohol involved!! Just kidding...) Two activities really stand out as the highlights of my break, though: watching HBO’s “The Jinx” (2015) (the first time...) and “Going Clear” (2015), the network’s documentary on Scientology.

If you haven’t seen “The Jinx,” it’s time to hit up your parents’ HBO Go account. Is that presumptuous of me to assume that everyone a) has parents and b) that they have an HBO subscription? I apologize if I have offended any of you, but this is something about which I feel strongly. Robert Durst, who sometimes pretended to be a mute woman named Dorothy Ciner, is clearly guilty of multiple murders — and yet I believe his lies about being innocent. Even after that hot mic incident (“Killed them all, of course”), it’s hard to turn my back on this killer and his wig collection.

Ultimately, though, he’s not the beau to whom I will send jail mail. Though wigless he remains, Adnan Syed retains the keys to my heart.

One more incentive to watch — director and co-producer Andrew Jarecki (who, interestingly enough, is the son of a billionaire) has a curious goatee-beard situation going on. Much like Jarecki’s pursuit of the truth — he spent quite a while on the docuseries — that facial hair just won’t quit.

“Going Clear” is a titillating expose about the Church of Scientology. If you think the inner-workings of the Church of Scientology are John Travolta’s biggest “secret,” you’re clearly a newcomer to this column.

Then again, the religious organization’s (alleged) use of blackmailing (the Church “audits” the most intimate details of practitioners) to retain followers is well-documented. L. Ron Hubbard’s rotting bottom teeth make the documentary sickening enough — the filmmakers could have left out the accusations of human rights violations within the organization and I’d still be freaked out.

Moving on to secular matters, perhaps more frightening than the future of this nation or the thought of being a Scientologist is the prospect of receiving a call from Michael Jackson (RIP). According to Russell Crowe, he was a victim of MJ’s prank calls. I truly cannot imagine anything more troubling than a late-night phone call from Michael Jackson. But I don’t claim to be fair. The thought of it happening to someone else — and especially Russell Crowe, a man who clearly needs anger management (another well-documented phenomenon) — makes me chuckle.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz has thrown his hat into the ring. Cruz has announced that he will be running for president in 2016. On March 22, he sent out the following message, accompanied by a cheesy and generally weird video, to the Twittersphere: “@tedcruz: I’m running for President, and I hope to earn your support!” Until the recent buzz about a possible presidential run, when discussing Ted Cruz, I have stated that he cannot run for the office. Indeed, Cruz was born in Canada. I didn’t realize that his mother was — much to my chagrin — a U.S. citizen.

I wondered how it’s possible for anybody from the wonderful country of Canada could have such, let’s say “interesting,” views. Ted Cruz being recognized as an American — and ultimately renouncing his Canadian citizenship — has restored my faith in good old Canada. It’s somehow fitting that the person who read “Green Eggs and Ham” aloud in the Senate while filibustering Obamacare has renounced Canada. They must be doing something right.

It’s not looking much better on the other side of the aisle. A word to Hillary Clinton: How do you expect to run a country if you can’t handle two separate smartphones? Pretty sure that’s a standard practice in many occupations. Can somebody please explain to me how anyone thought using a personal email account as SECRETARY OF STATE was an acceptable practice?! Hillz (I must admit I’m reluctant to use this nickname because I feel it’s a sexist practice!) is almost as secretive and sketchy as the Scientologist crew. Just like the Church, she will be (and is being) exposed! Then again, Cruz has the worst attendance rate (committee hearings) of any member of the Senate Armed Services Committee.

Doesn’t America deserve the warm embrace of a leader we can trust will keep us safe? Do either of these leaders have what it takes to work side-by-side with Dennis Rodman to promote foreign relations? Only time will tell.