Fridays with Marian

by Marian Lurio | 3/5/15 7:46pm

Justin Bieber has finally turned 21. In his homeland — Canada — the Biebs can legally drink. But this is America, and we play by our own rules in these parts. Like many Dartmouth students, laws certainly haven’t stopped J.B. from consuming alcohol and a variety of illicit drugs before his 21st birthday. Bieber celebrated like the king he is by hosting his party on a private Caribbean island and dancing like a rapper (whatever that means) shirtless on the dancefloor, living up to the d-bag that he is. Bieber sent out some really cogent and heartfelt tweets on February 28 (his bday is March 1st, though), including “@justinbieber I love everybody! #21.”

C’mon Justin. You know numbers can’t be hashtagged! I’m especially disappointed by this glaring oversight since it was J.B. who introduced me to the hashtag. I joined Twitter in large part to follow the pre-pubescent heartthrob.

Speaking of ragey, MDMA-fueled dancefloors/venues, there are some hot new DJs on the scene competing against the likes of semi-newfound DJs like reality TV celebuspawns Paris Hilton and Brody Jenner. Two Ed Hardy-loving, deadbeat fathers (who’ve starred on reality TV shows, naturally) are taking over — Kevin Federline and Jon Gosselin. For the portion of this readership that is elderly and/or uninformed, allow me to provide some background. Jon Gosselin = ex-husband of woman with asymmetrical bob haircut, father of eight, once-boyfriend of the daughter of his recently-separated wife’s plastic surgeon — until he cheated on her with The Star (it’s a tabloid, just to be clear) reporter Kate Major who would go on to become the estranged stepmother of Lindsay Lohan. Kevin Federline = ex-husband of Britney Spears, father to Spears’ two sons (and many other children from other women) and leading man in the short-lived home-video reality show “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic” (2005) as well as an integral part of the seventh season of “Celebrity Fit Club” (2010). (Oh, how the mighty have fallen — he was once a well-established backup dancer.)

I can’t wait to see what these two exemplary men have in store for their sure-to-be packed venues.

You don’t need to look at events like North Korea firing missiles or the assassination of Putin’s critic to see that this world and its many peoples/nations are beyond redemption. Look no further than the Texas man who had #thedress tattooed on his calf. I may have found my next Halloween costume — me as #thedress, an interpretive body-paint style replica. But which team will I choose?

Although, TBH, I sincerely hope I have forgotten about this idiotic debacle at least before the summer solstice. It doesn’t matter which colors the dress is. It hurts my eyes to look at this fugly frock either way.

It wouldn’t be a Friday with me if I didn’t talk about one or more members of the Kardashian-Jenner-West clan.

Do you ever wonder what a Kardashian et al.-less world would be like? Luckily, it seems we won’t find out in this lifetime. The Kardashians have signed a three-year $100-million contract for their original series (which has been the originator behind many-a-spinoff), “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” (2007). (If you’re a real fan, you’ll know the series by its ugly-looking abbreviation, KUWTK.) Armenian-Americans everywhere (in America, that is... although one does wonder about the Armenian-American expat community) no doubt look to the Kardashians — arguably the most prominent members of the Armenian-American community — with nothing but admiration and pride. Sometimes I can’t help but feel for the Kardashian-Jenner children because with a fame-obsessed mom like Kris, there’s just no hope for normalcy.

But I feel worse for Britney Spears’ children for obvious reasons.

I think at this point in my life the best place to be is in Karl Lagerfeld’s arms. Choupette (readers really ought to know who she is by now!) is a force to be reckoned with, but that’s nothing new.

Actually, I retract this sentiment. The best place for me would be in my loyal reader Phil’s arms. Unfortunately, you won’t be finding me in the arms of Phil anytime (too) soon.

I just don’t love the whole no hard alcohol thing, and risking suspension to give someone a shot seems a liiiittle extreme. Honestly, I previously thought hard alcohol was not actually allowed on campus. When the MDF announcement happened, though, I realized it had indeed been condoned for 21+. But don’t expect me to come back for a reunion if I can’t have tequila shots in the public eye/with Phil and other administrators. Whatever happened to “Live Free or Die?”

Administrators are desecrating the flag of the great state of New Hampshire by metaphorically using it as toilet paper to wipe their asses and then discard.

Ah, well. I wonder if they allow hard alcohol in prison. Specifically, in the Maryland Correctional Facility occupied by one Mr. Adnan Syed. Even if it were banned, I wouldn’t need a tequila shot if I were nestled in Adnan’s warm (alluringly psychopathic) embrace.