The middle of February is a reliably upsetting time. The weather is frightful, midterms are upon us and Valentine’s Day — or, more accurately for often-single college students, Singles’ Awareness Day — throws many for a loop when happy couples come out of the woodwork. Their displays of togetherness almost seem to mock those of us who are without a significant other. For same-sex couples and those with other romantic arrangements, however, this holiday may be especially uncomfortable. Despite recent increases in the number and diversity of media portrayals of same-sex couples, the fact remains that Valentine’s Day and mainstream conceptions of love in general leave little room for romantic relationships outside the monogamous heterosexual norm or those wherein men are not seen as the providers of material goods on this particular occasion.
Consider the archetypal Valentine’s Day advertisement — a man presents chocolate, jewelry, a bouquet of flowers or some other material signifier of his affection to a swooning girlfriend or wife. The happy couple embraces, there is a cheesy tagline and the commercial fades out, leaving its viewer with a warm and fuzzy image of a heterosexual couple cementing their love.This traditional image of Valentine’s Day leaves no room for single people, let alone gay men, lesbians or those in non-traditional relationships, creating a number of issues with what the holiday represents. The refusal to acknowledge forms of love outside monogamous heterosexuality erases other kinds of relationships and the groups of people who practice them. Valentine’s Day is effectively a continuation of the marginalization of queer and polyamorous communities.
For single people, the emphasis on romantic partners’ affirmation of their commitment to each other can be quite damaging. By focusing on romantic love between couples, Valentine’s Day as a cultural institution reinforces a harmful damnation of singlehood as abnormal and undesirable. This is especially true for women, many of whom fall into glum states leading up to the holiday. Even while feminist traditions like Galentine’s Day try to bring women together to help them keep their spirits up in the face of their singleness, one cannot help but wonder — why is it such a big deal? Being single should not be seen as either affliction or curse — it is simply a state of being.Even for those who are in relationships, Valentine’s Day can be an uncomfortable experience. In a recent BuzzFeed poll of its employees, many men and women — including those in relationships — expressed ambivalence about the holiday. Because of the holiday’s commercialization and the expectations built into this most romantic of days, many men feel tremendous pressure to demonstrate their love for their significant others via showy, expensive gifts that may or may not fall within their budgets. For women, Valentine’s Day is an event that is all about expectation — and the fallout from a disappointing showing by one’s significant other can be a difficult experience.The commercialization of love and sex on Valentine’s Day is also problematic. Many Valentine’s Day commercials close by implying that extravagant gifts are worth it for their givers — that is, men — in that they elicit affection and sex. This sentiment was captured a few years ago by a “Family Guy” diamond advertisement parody that closes with the statement, “She’ll pretty much have to.” By presenting gift-giving and the provision of sex as a transactional exchange in romantic relationships, Valentine’s Day cheapens the emotional attachment that should be a part of normal, healthy romantic relationships — heterosexual or otherwise.Love, in the parlance ofValentine’s Day, is an object of kitsch, cliché and economic exchange. It is an expression of an emotion that is earmarked for special occasions and expressed by a man in order to elicit certain reactions from a woman. Is this what we want out of a modern holiday?It is time to re-imagine Valentine’s Day. Next year, make Valentine’s Day an opportunity to see love in all its forms around you — in same-sex relationships, in your relationships with your friends and family and in the relationships you have with the things you care about. Love, in its best form, is an emotion that elevates and inspires — and it cannot be bought or encapsulated by even the prettiest of material objects.
