Fridays with Marian

by Marian Lurio | 2/26/15 7:54pm

John Travolta needs to keep his hands to himself. What is he trying to prove? We all know your only type is male masseurs, J.T. Travolta just couldn’t keep his hands — and lips — off of Scarlett Johansson, creeping up on her from behind on the Oscars red carpet. He puts Vice President Joe Biden to shame. (What would Joe’s Somali cab driver friends have to say about this?)

As if to redeem himself from having called her the “wickedly talented, one and only, Adele Dazheem” at last year’s Oscars, Travolta presented on stage with Idina Menzel and held onto her chin for dear life. I’d like to caress Travolta’s makeup-laden face and smooth his penciled-in brows. But I truly hope I never come that close to J.T.

Speaking of eyebrows and unwanted [nuclear] advances, have you seen our friend Kim Jong-un’s hot new look? Seems like someone needs a new cosmetologist. I once lost half of my right eyebrow — temporarily — in an unfortunate waxing incident. My advice? Just fill them in like John Travolta. K.J.U.’s new haircut does, however, frame his face beautifully.

Chris Brown has been denied entrance to Canada, the country that has produced such class acts as Nickelback and Justin Bieber. Chad Kroeger, Nickelback’s lead vocalist and guitarist as well as fellow Canadian Avril Lavigne’s current husband, threw some shade at the Biebs. Kroeger told some obscure news source (i.e. I’ve never heard of it, so it’s trash) that Bieber’s life choices are unfortunate. I’ll tell you what else is unfortunate, Chad — those untrimmed golden brown locks don’t look as great on a man of 40 . One can only assume that U.S. secret intelligence protocol for torturing enemies of the state involves playing a continuous loop of Nickelback songs until the prisoner snaps. No waterboarding or bamboo shoots needed! Take that, ISIS!

Their critically-acclaimed 2008 album, “Dark Horse, included the song “S.E.X” as well as the song “Something in Your Mouth.”

“Animals,” the unforgettable banger from the 2005 album, “All the Right Reasons,” includes the lines “Your mom don’t know that you were missing / She’d be pissed if she could see the parts of you that I’ve been kissing.”

Scandalous!

Benji Madden, who recently wed Cameron Diaz, revealed his newest ink. He’s not the only one embarrassing himself publicly or doing something he will undoubtedly regret when the marriage crumbles in T-6 months, though, and this newly revealed tattoo is not the only vomit-inducing declaration of love I’ve seen recently.

I am, of course, referring to the couples photos that appeared in this very publication two weeks ago.

Michael Phelps is also engaged to the former Miss California, but he’s a total freak so I really don’t want to waste column space talking about that.

One more crazy Canadian to talk about — former Toronto mayor Rob Ford. Ford has recently put a variety of novelty items up on eBay, some of which include a sign that reads “Keep calm and carry on” and a pair of his pajama pants. Unfortunately, there are no crack pipes up for sale yet. He has, however, listed the tie he wore for his crack confession speech!

He puts some of our hopeful politicos to shame, and he was actually elected. Oh, Canada.

Onto the craziest, most delusional U.S. citizen of them all — Kanye West. He may have just debuted his fashion line, but West is the ultimate renaissance man (and married to Kim Kardashian who leaves no business stone unturned) so it should come as no surprise that he’s already moved onto a new frontier. West has just announced that he is in the process of creating a video game in which the sole objective is to guide his mother Donda West (R.I.P.) through the gates of Heaven. Can’t wait for it to hit stores!

Some of the Kardashians (Kim, North/Nori, Khloe and Kylie) — sans Kanye — drove their Yukon GMC into a ditch in Montana. Luckily for them, they didn’t cause a fatal accident like stepfather/ father Bruce Jenner (which happened exactly two weeks earlier). As a quick aside, congrats to little 17-year-old Kylie for buying herself a multimillion-dollar mansion!

I’m sure people find me to be similar in raw talent and beauty to many Academy Award winners, but I’ve found I’m quite similar to a certain business tycoon. This is because we both have been known to eat ice cream for breakfast (sorry, Mom). While I’ve never been to Omaha, Nebraska, Warren Buffet and I simply must be related (although I think I do prefer a more lavish lifestyle). It’s going to be hard to walk in the familial footsteps of the greatest investor of the twentieth century (thanks, Wikipedia!), but some brilliant individual with the business acumen that only comes once in a generation (so there is someone in the generation between me, a 21-year-old lass and my 84-year-old kindred spirit) must step up.

In case I haven’t made it abundantly clear, that someone is Phil.