In case you suffer from some form of amnesia, you are probably aware that Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Naturally, I would like to devote the entirety of this week’s column to love, lust, lies and betrayal.
I’m ecstatic to report that Adnan Syed (of “Serial” fame/puller of my heartstrings) has been granted an appeal by the Maryland Court of Special Appeals.
All the way across the country in a California state prison, Charles Manson is undoubtedly singing the blues (a.k.a. Avril Lavigne’s 2004 smash hit “My Happy Ending”). Manson and his ex-fiancee broke up because she wanted to preserve his body and charge tourists to see it. Will the same fate plague my blossoming relationship with Adnan?
There’s been another potential sociopath in the news recently — and he’s not even serving a life sentence in prison. Indeed, a certain NBC Nightly News anchor has taken the idiom “all is fair in love and war[zones]” a little too far. I am, of course, referring to the fact that Brian Williams’s 12-year-old story that he was the target of enemy fire on board an aircraft in the Middle East has been outed as straight-up false. Now many of Williams’s contentious statements are being questioned. Will Williams be able to restore his now-tarnished reputation as a credible news source/moral human being?
It seems like for many industry insiders and outsiders, Williams’s liar status is about as shocking as each time an allegation surfaces re: John Travolta turning the tables on an unsuspecting masseur. After all of these allegations — and legal charges which are magically dropped by the plaintiffs — I would assume any masseur willing to offer his services to Travolta would now know what he is getting himself into. I wonder what the Church of Scientology — of which Travolta is a practitioner/true believer — has to say about that, but I’m a little afraid to confront the frankly terrifying religious organization.
Speaking of Hollywood stars/nutjobs, I don’t want to waste too much of the limited word count of this column on garish events like the Super Bowl and the Grammys, but I do feel that each event deserves some commentary. I have something personal to share with the rest of you all. (I already told Phil about this one.) A recent heartbreak I suffered hit too close to home — and by home I am specifically referring to the City of Brotherly Love. The New England Patriots’ fourth-quarter comeback against the Seattle Seahawks was all too reminiscent of the Patriots’ victory over the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl XXXIX 10 years ago. The birds (the football team and the pigeons that fly through Philadelphia’s airport terminals) have never really recovered from that loss.
I didn’t watch the Grammys this past Sunday, but from what my news sources tell me, the awards show was a real bust. Kanye’s unwavering support of Beyoncé really does impress me, though. Don’t get me wrong — who doesn’t love Beyoncé? However, given Kanye’s relationship with Jay Z — that of mentee-mentor — it seems a bit strange. He’s a man obsessed! Dare I question the platonic nature of Ye and Bey’s relationship?
As has been the case in so much of her career, Joan Rivers was snubbed posthumously by the Grammys. The “academy” did not include the amazing comedienne (or is it now comedian like actress has become actor?) in its “In Memoriam” tribute. Rivers even won a Grammy this year for best spoken word album, yet Grammys producer Ken Ehrlich — who purports to have worked with Rivers — has attributed this omission to putting a time limit on the deaths that are or are not included in this tribute. I ain’t buying it. I know people are —in my opinion, irrationally — obsessed with Robin Williams (not Brian!) and saddened by his death (if the number of Facebook posts about him on my newsfeed after his death is any indication), but he died nearly a month before the also-beloved Rivers. Therefore, I have just one thing to say to so-called “producer” Ken Ehrlich — eff you!
Another source of heartbreak in the news is Bruce Jenner’s car crash. What does it say about the status and fate of the human race that only a tragic event of this magnitude can (temporarily) eclipse the media buzz surrounding the alleged male-to-female transition, which has been discussed by nearly everyone except for Jenner.
Whether it means stalking a convicted felon (or two) or having a party for one, enjoy your Valentine’s Day, readers of this column! If you are interested in sending me flowers or perhaps an anonymous love letter (adorned with a lock of my own hair? Too arduous to attain given the “difficult” nature of my frizzy mop), please contact me via blitz or Yik Yak so I can provide you with a delivery location.
