Any Given Thursday
In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past month, there happens to be this quiet, little event going on this Sunday. You’ve probably never heard of it. After all, it’s only the most over-hyped and over-analyzed sporting event of the year. I mean, commercials about this game are only on TV 24 hours a day, seven days a week. This game’s only the most-watched event in America, and people have only been making up storylines out of thin air about it for weeks, although it feels like lifetimes (*cough*, “Deflategate”, *cough*).
For those of you who actually — somehow — aren’t aware, this Sunday marks the dramatic culmination of the current professional football season: Super Bowl XLIX. It’s the most widely televised, lucrative and extravagant sporting event of the year. For many of you, I’m sure that this date has been circled on your calendar for months. For the rest of us, let’s be honest — we wouldn’t be devoting our Sunday night to watching this game if it weren’t for all of our friends pushing us to do so. So, for those of you out there whose eyes will be rolling back into their heads this Sunday, here’s our proposal: a list of 11 Super Bowl prop bets to keep you at least somewhat entertained through this four-hour ordeal.
1. Number of times someone makes a pun about deflated balls: Over/Under 5I mean, really, this entire situation is just underblown overblown...
2. Number of times the Pats fans in the room get defensive about “Deflategate”: Over/Under 5“Look, guys, you see the physics of it is quite simple. Scientifically, the effect of a drop of 40 degrees Fahrenheit on the surface pressure of the air inside of a football can entirely explain…”
3. Will Marshawn Lynch scores a touchdown...with his “patented” celebration.“Hollll******mmaaaaaeeeeee*****d*********!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
4. Number of times someone in the room says, “I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials!”: Over/Under 3“I can’t wait to see this year’s Doritos/Pepsi/Budweiser/Cialis commercial!”
5. Number of people who don’t believe Richard Sherman graduated from Stanford: Over/Under 3(Rich’s rant: but seriously, he graduated with a 3.9 GPA. He’s got to have one of the highest football IQs of any player on the field. I would actually sell my soul for his life. Incredibly smart.)
6. Will the Pats cheat?“Look, son, I’m going to need you to take these 12 footballs into the bathroom for 90 seconds while we take the actual footballs somewhere else… And I’m going to need you to sign right here…”
7. Number of times Brady drops the f-bomb while on camera: Over/Under 80“Wait, what? Over/under 80?” (Yeah, it’s actually that often.)
8. Percentage of people who leave after the food is gone: Over/Under 15 percent“Hey dudes, what’s up broskis, so any pizza left my boys? No? Ok, cool Brosephs, uhh… I’m just gonna go grab something… I’ll be right back…”
9. Percentage of people who leave after the halftime show: Over/Under 15 percent(Literally the entire room: “CAUSE BABY YOU’RE A FIIIIIIIIIIIREWORKKKKKKKKKKKK”)
10. Will someone give Brady a high five? (YouTube this if you’re confused.)(While you’re at it, Youtube this year’s “Bad Lip Readings” — NFL edition.)
11. Will Belichick smile?(*shivers uncomfortably at the thought of BB’s evil grin*)
Once again, thanks for reading. We hope you all have fun watching the Super Bowl this Sunday, regardless of whether you’re actually interested in the game or not. We’d also like to wish all the Seahawks fans out there best of luck for the game, and may the best team win. Or, at least, we’d like to — but everyone knows the Pats will be taking home the Lombardi Trophy.