Any Given Thursday

by Rich Shen and Austin Lim | 1/14/15 6:01pm

This past Monday marked the conclusion of the inaugural college football playoff, featuring a thrilling back-and-forth game between two of the top teams in the nation. Oregon University and Ohio State University faced off in a game that will undoubtedly go down in the annals of history. Despite turning the ball over an obscene amount of times, Ohio State proved to be the better team in the end, winning by more than three touchdowns. While Rich and I were watching the game, however, a much more urgent issue — or, to be more exact, person — occupied our attention.

You’ve all met this type of person at some point — loud, unwilling to stop talking and completely unable to understand what’s going on in the game. This fan got us thinking about the most obnoxious personalities guaranteed to be at any sports venue. Here is a list of our top three.

The yeller: This is probably the most commonly known fan who everyone hates. Loud and expressive, this person makes you want to shove needles into your face. They scream about plays that don’t matter, they scream about plays that do matter, they scream about literally everything. To make matters worse, it’s unbelievably likely that this person will have one of the most annoying voices you’ve ever heard. It makes the game unenjoyable for everyone, and this person manages to unite both fan bases to the common goal of duct taping this person’s mouth shut.

The worst part: These people are usually the most childish people at the game, and asking them to be quiet would just exacerbate the problem. The only option you have is to relocate to a different viewing location.

The know-it-all (the “Rich Shen ’17”): “Did you know that’s just the fourth time in seven years that Peyton Manning has thrown a pass against a team led by a former Michigan State coach that was caught by his receiver, who then proceeded to pick up 4.5 yards after the catch and be tackled out of bounds by a safety with an odd numbered jersey?” Like literally nobody cares, Rich. Shut up. Just, please, please, shut up. This person is the kid who spews useless information like he thinks knowing these random stats will somehow make people like him. Typically this person makes you wonder how much time they must have spent to acquire so much information, and how they thought it would be useful to learn it all.

The worst part: They know so much it’s like a broken record. They can’t stop, they won’t stop and you feel kind of bad asking them to. So you let them just drive you insane with information that even Google would find useless.

The “Ben Rutan ’17:” Although this type of fan is much less common than the others, the Rutans of the world are much worse — by far — than either of the previous two. These sports fans transform obnoxiousness into an art form, spewing the most absurd arguments and observations imaginable, and why shouldn’t they? After all, the “Ben Rutan” sports fan — unlike the other two — isn’t annoying because they are unaware of how they are acting, but because they are fully and completely aware of exactly what they’re doing.

The Rutan fan is the one who sits down to watch March Madness and won’t stop talking about preseason baseball (not because he knows anything about preseason baseball, but precisely because he knows nothing about preseason baseball). The Rutan fan is the one who eloquently — and inaccurately — monologues about the nuances of curling. The Rutan fan will sit down next to a Patriots fan and go on about the 2008 Super Bowl, sit down next the Red Sox fan and consistently remind them that he’s a Yankees fan from Boston or sit down next to a golf fan who’s watching the masters and change the channel. IT IS STILL TOO SOON TO TALK ABOUT SUPER BOWL XLII, BEN. IT’S STILL TOO SOON.

The worst part: Everything. Literally everything.

With the Super Bowl in a few weeks, we hope that we’ve provided the tools for you to identify these fans and avoid them at all costs. We hope that you enjoyed this installment of AGT. Stay warm and keep reading!