Late Wednesday night, I received a push notification on my phone from my New York Times app that the San Francisco Giants had won the World Series in Game 7. My first thought was — “wait, the World Series started already?”
This was followed by an intense wave of nostalgia. Has it really been six years since the Phillies (my home team) won the World Series? Then, being the politically-minded individual I am — or like to pretend I am — something else hit me. How have six years passed since the fateful 2008 presidential elections? Then I remembered — Sugar! I forgot to print out and send in that pesky absentee ballot. Thank goodness I can register on (midterm) election day right before I vote. Crisis averted.
In case you were cryogenically frozen from 2006 this very second, allow me to fill you in. In 2008, Barack Hussein Obama became the first black president of the United States of America. In 2012, he was reelected. I don’t have the time or desire to get into the affairs of Congress, so don’t worry about that. Back to Obama — depending on who you ask, he’s a Muslim communist and he was NOT born “here.” Just to keep it interesting, I’m going to skip over Vice President Joe Biden and Republican candidate John McCain (love them both) — and Mitt Romney (boring, don’t worry about him) and Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan, who claims he runs a three-hour marathon. What I really miss about the world circa six years ago was Sarah Palin being a serious contender for the vice presidency.
When McCain announced Palin as his running mate, I was pleased to see at least one woman having a shot at the presidency (people were worried about McCain’s health). My dad had just gone on a salmon fishing trip to Alaska (we ate salmon for dinner every night for the next four months), and said that Alaskans loved Palin — just loved her. And according to approval ratings, they really did at the time.
Had Palin’s time in the national media spotlight ended with McCain’s failed run for office, the world would be a less humorous place. Actually, the only thing that really ended in the wake of the 2008 elections was her career as a public servant. Since her 2009 resignation from her position as Governor of Alaska, I’m pretty sure there have been multiple reality shows involving the Palin family, Alaska and Bristol’s spurned lover-babydaddy, Levi Johnston.
Over the summer, Palin debuted her own online news channel. As much as I love my Netflix account, I’ve gotta say I am tempted to put that money toward a subscription to the Sarah Palin Channel. And yes, it is more expensive than Netflix. It’s a place for mavericks and hockey moms to escape the liberal media — just what I’ve been looking for! She just gets me.
But you don’t have to pay to be entertained by the antics of Palin, her snowmobiling husband Todd or any of their five children.
In case you’ve been living under a rock these past few weeks, let me fill you in. Although the full-ish story wouldn’t come out until weeks after the incident, the Palin family was recently involved in a brawl. A violent brawl at that, and during Todd’s birthday nonetheless! The entire time that this crazy free-for-all was going on, however, Sarah was in a white stretch limousine (I’d expect nothing less) parked outside of the party. Is it too much of a stretch to compare her role in the brawl to Beyonce’s in the Solange/Jay-Z elevator incident? I think not. And I know what you’re thinking — I thought they only had helicopters in Alaska, too. Well, you learn something new every day, and apparently there are roads somewhere.
Things I learned from the police department’s audio recording of Bristol Palin post-brawl:
1. “They” took her $300 sunglasses. Bristol wears her sunglasses at night, and so do I.
2. There is such a thing as a thong dress, and Bristol Palin owns one.
3. Korey K. (his last name is too long to remember) was involved. Is he a long-lost member of the Kardashian krew???
Sarah Palin posted on Facebook Sept. 19, saying “As you can imagine, they and my extended family have experienced so many things (liberal media-driven) that may have crushed others without a strong foundation of faith, and I’m thankful for our friends’ prayer shield that surrounds them, allowing faith to remain their anchor.” Okay then.
Speaking of things inappropriate in public settings, does anyone have a good Halloween costume suggestion for me? I remember wanting to be Sarah Palin for Halloween that crazy year — but I just couldn’t compete with Tina Fey — and I hadn’t fully embraced my love of wigs at that point in my life. Plus, I don’t want to have to take one of my many skirt-suit combos to the dry cleaners after a raucous evening of trick-or-treating. I’ve already done fitness personality Richard Simmons in fifth grade ... yes, that happened. Curly afro wig, a little pizzazz and some ’80s workout clothes. I nailed it. Couple’s costume, Phil? Or can I be Bruce Jenner? His changing looks just can’t be ignored. I guess the best thing to do is to rule out some options.
Things that are not appropriate for Halloween:
1. Ebola hazmat suits/Ebola patients/missionaries who have contracted Ebola (although would a 21-day quarantine be so bad? I could use a vacation to watch the Sarah Palin Channel).
2. Any member of Honey Boo Boo’s family.
3. Amanda Bynes. It just ain’t right. UGH.
A sixth grader told me Thursday morning, “You should be someone from the ’80s because of your hair.”
First of all, I’ve already done that. Secondly, that was me on a good hair day. Hopefully by the time this issue of The Mirror hits newsstands, I will have come up with something slightly provocative yet passable and not culturally appropriative.
