Over the past five days, Dartmouth's varsity squash teams have ridden the emotional and physical roller coaster of competitive sports. "No one threw up though," said co-captain and oft-injured Martha Ucko '05, "because it wasn't a real roller-coaster."
Well, continuing on with the analogy, the roller-coaster ride began euphorically enough as Dartmouth's men and women both posted convincing victories against a talented Williams team. In their first home match of the 2005 season, the Green women dominated Williams all the way down the ladder en route to a resounding 9-0 victory.
The Dartmouth men were equally impressive, conquering their Williams foes by a margin of 7-2, though Williams did manage to get the better of John F. Kennedy '05 and Salty Crandell '07.
"Those cows just didn't have the goods," quipped Frances Battin '07. At this point, it should be noted that the Williams mascot is a purple cow. Ms. Battin was not being rude, merely factual.
On the source of their win, team superstar and fashionista extraordinaire Catherine Haldeman '08 had this to say: "I think it was a combination of my electric-blue shoes and my impressive forehand volleys that undid them. Would you like my autograph?"
However, although their victories against Williams were impressive, the Green knew that the weekend's matches against Yale and Trinity, two of the strongest teams in the league, would deflate any rapidly expanding egos.
"I'm a Pisces, and my horoscope warned me that friends or co-workers might try to cut me down this week," said freshman standout Becca Loucks '08. "Well, fortunately, my friends were fine, but Yale and Trinity definitely cut me down. They cut all of us down."
"Are you familiar with the Bible's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?" asked Hank Alexander '06. "Well it was like playing them. They left nothing but destruction in their wake."
On Saturday, against Yale, both the men and women were blanked 9-0, which, in squash terms, is known as being "bageled."
On Sunday, however, the women were able to avoid the second bagel, as a win from Emilie Mackie '07 at position nine made it an 8-1 victory in favor of Trinity. Although Mackie posted the only win, several of the matches, including co-captain Kelly Sennatt's '05, were very close and could have gone either way.
The men, however, did not fare as well, despite valiant efforts all the way down the ladder. They lost to Trinity, a team that has won the last six men's collegiate team championships, 9-0.
"The problem with Trinity," noted co-captain and resident trash-talker Cam Fortin '05, "is that no matter where you play on the ladder, you end up playing some country's national champion. So, for example, even Danny Schneider, who plays at 11, ends up facing off against Fiji's best player. Only I'm not sure that they play squash in Fiji. Nice beaches, though."
This week, the men and women continue their home stretch with a match against Amherst College on Wednesday afternoon. The matches will be at the Berry Squash Center at 5:00 p.m. Former American Idol contestant Justin Guarini will be there to sing the national anthem, so all should plan on attending.
"I'm a little scared," noted Sennatt. "Amherst's team color is purple, which everyone knows is the color of royalty. But then I remembered that in the Middle Ages, green represented evil and demonic beings like dragons, so they're really the ones that should be scared of us. Not to mention that following Prince Harry's behavior last week, nobody should be bragging about an association with royalty."
