After I was awoken by chirping birds at an early hour, I knew that today was going to be different. Today I was going to be productive and take advantage of my "college experience."
Though I began to make ambitious plans, I soon remembered that all hindrances to immediate pleasure in my daily life had been removed by technology. I decided I would brainstorm later because at that moment, I was able to do innumerable things by pushing various buttons while lounging on my futon: I immediately turned on the TV, fired up my i-Pod, and ordered EBAs with a quick phone call. When the food came, however, I was surprised to find the following Post-it note stuck between two slices of pineapple atop my Hawaiian pizza:
"Last Tuesday evening at 10 p.m., a naked woman shot two rolls of film while walking through Novack Cafe. After eating your pizza, you should interview her."
I immediately realized that an entertaining interview in The D could signal a total re-invention of my "college experience." You see, pre-matriculation, I planned to be a "ragey" dude with few cares and I eagerly anticipated the occasional naked woman walking around campus, since I assumed such things were common at college.
In reality, however, I often find myself hurrying somewhere, caring too much about lots of things, prone to verbal obscenities, and rarely hear about naked women walking around campus -- until NOW.
Thirty minutes before the interview, however, I remembered that I require social lubricants before meeting people that I don't already know. I realized that I am prone to various weird and childish comments in awkward situations, which I cannot afford because I have a reputation to uphold. It's not like I actually want people to know that under my shell of sweetness, I'm an easily distractible, silly 10-year-old running around campus in a blue sweat-suit.
I fired up a pre-interview game of pong in my pal's dorm room, checked Blitz, watched a music video by 14-year-old European hip-hop sensation "Gellieman" and missed the scheduled interview.
Realizing my failure, I did what any sensible student would do: I went to Food Court and ate lots of fro-yo, which, as far as I'm concerned, is but a vehicle for hot peanut butter sauce and an extensive array of toppings. While eating, however, I realized that I had NO material for an article and NO good story. Had I actually conducted an interview, I may have learned the following:
The young woman's stroll through Novack last Tuesday at 10 p.m. was intended to capture the reactions of normal Dartmouth students when faced with the extraordinary for a photography project. Though described as both "frightening" and "isolating," the experience was an interesting opportunity to probe the realm beyond social convention. Though various interpretations may exist, the young woman, who preferred not to conduct an interview so as to avoid published identification as "the naked girl," views her own act as performance art.
Sadly, due to my initial risk-aversion and the mysterious power of Gellieman's hit single "Aisha," I can only provide the aforementioned speculation. I'm sorry I wasted your time by prematurely committing to this project, particularly because page space in The D had been laid out long before I BOTCHED the interview. It turned out to be just another normal day in the life of this guy, which makes for a rather horrific article.
Indeed, as far as I'm con concerned, an awkward conversation with this woman would have been much worse than no conversation at all. You must understand that I take myself, and my image, quite seriously. Consequently, any situations that could potentially disrupt my aura of sweetness or reveal my childlike tendencies are unacceptable. Finally, do not resent me for attention-mongering through this pointless article: I need validation from my peers because my mom always paid more attention to our tiny grey-striped cat named Tiger.
